OUT of the box

[openhearted13]

I'm eighteen years old and I am still figuring out a lot of things. Things like: "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?" or "What kind person will I be?" Among the many things I am discovering and redefining about myself is the complex nature of my sexuality. I am attracted to, and emotionally open to both men and women, but i do not identify myself as bisexual. Most of my past relationships have been with men, and my immediate sexual inclination is toward men, but I have been both sexually and emotionally attracted to a few women. My whole mentality is to avoid or break down any labels or boxes that my society attempts to put on me because I am MORE than my sexuality. My question is: Is it at all possible to do what I do in your country? If so, how do you accomplish it? If not, why is it so difficult?

[jgay]

Hi openhearted13, it's interesting that you should ask these questions. I too am attracted emotionally and sexually to both males and females. However i have only ever been free to express my attraction to the opposite sex. Yet I feel more attraction to my own sex. i think of myself as gay. Given the choice of who to have an open relationship with I would choose a guy. Further because of my closeted status I don't feel like I can truly have a deep honest relationship with a girl either. So I my overt heterosexuality is hampered by my covert homosexuality. I end up having meaningless relationships with women who can never really get to know me. But society forces me to maintain these vain largely sex driven relationships in order to prove my manhood. It's hard. In Jamaica I don't have the luxury of defining my own sexuality and the box is very small. Despite the very colourful name of the very organisation which runs this forum, Jamaica Forum for Lesbians All-sexuals and Gays (JFLAG), I can only be one of two things - straight or battyman. Once you have a sexual attraction to the same sex you are considered to be a battyman, battybwoi, or battygyal. In Jamica one's sexuality is as much a part of your identity as your DNA. If you are unfortunate enough to be branded as gay whether or not you are actually gay, prepare yourself for the consequences. As I have said in a previous post I make sure to assert my masculinity and heterosexuality and even fervently chant down battymanism in order to protect myself from those consequences which at worst would be a cruel death by mob or at best be completely ostracised from family, friends, colleagues and community. Class does play a role though. Gays in the upper classes have resources that allow them some liberty but the outlook for gays in the lower classes is dim. If it is at all possible for anyone to accomplish what you do such a person is likely to be from the upper classes. In the event that things get dangerous in Jamaica an openly gay rich man can easily fly out of the island. A gay poor man can not so easily escape the mob shouting "BATTYMAN FI DEAD!" If someone who is not from the upper classes can accomplish it and still live comfortably in Jamaica please show me how.



love,
jgay

[openhearted13]

Dear jgay,
I understand where you are coming from. I myself am from the Virgin Islands, so I understand a lot abput how your culture works. At home, would not be as open as I am here on the mainland. I practically get panic attacks when i think about being "out" at home. I cannot imagine some of my family members accepting me as being someone who would be in a same sex relationship. I cannot say that I have it quite as bad as you do. The group of people that I am friends with will accept me no matter what. I am blessed in that sense. I have no idea how to solve your problem would be solve, though. I am truely sorry that you have to live closeted the way you do. I applaud you though for even being brave enough to visit and right in this forum. I knoe that every move you make toward speaking out is dangerous for you. i appreciate you responding to my post.

Stay strong.
Love,
openhearted13